


Those Lost, Never Found

by sunflowersandsunshining



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cute, Dorks in Love, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluffy, Friends to Lovers, POV First Person, mentions of trauma, one minor sexual reference and a little bit of swearing for those concerned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 15:56:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12867993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflowersandsunshining/pseuds/sunflowersandsunshining
Summary: The Inquisitor was traumatized by what occurred at Haven, and she confides in the person she trusts most at Skyhold. The pair grow closer in ways that go beyond shared trauma.





	Those Lost, Never Found

Before Haven, I never knew what people were talking about when they said it was too close for comfort, but now I know it all too well, and it’s terrifying.

One thing done differently could have meant the downfall of the entire world. If I had died, the entire Inquisition would have crumbled, and without a way to close the rifts, the whole world would have been devoured by the Breach. And now, I realize, that was still a very real possibility on a day to day basis; the entire world was relying on a power I had but never asked for. 

It was hell emotionally.

But what could I do? Admit to the whole world that I’m weak? Stand in front of an entire army of faithful and tell them I’m not good enough? That, too, would lead to the Inquisition crumbling and the world’s demise. It was too much. 

It was all too much. 

Haven was only a week ago, and I was expected to go out and play the Game in Halamshiral and find the entirety of the missing Grey Wardens in Ferelden. How could I? How could I do anything after what happened?

I needed to talk to someone.

It was cold that night, but in a way that was unlike other nights at Skyhold - bitter frost nipped at my body like it was trying to avenge those who were lost. You could have saved us. 

Could I?

I approached the large wooden door and knocked tentatively. 

“Yes?” a gruff Fereldan voice asked from inside.

“Um, it’s me, can I come in?” I know I’m above him, and technically I didn’t need permission to barge into his quarters, but Maker knows what he does in his off time - I didn’t need to add “walking in on Cullen polishing his greatsword” to my list of traumas. 

“Oh, uh, of course!” he stammered, and then swung open the door before I could say another word. 

He was still in his full armor, but it was obviously the end of his day: his blonde hair lacked its usual perfect composition, with small pieces out of place around his head, and his eyes were accentuated by dark circles; his usually short facial hair was well on its way to becoming a full-on beard. He looked, as he always does, tired and worn out. Haven had to have been rough on him, too - as commander, he must feel as guilty for their deaths as I did.

“Maker’s breath, are you alright? You must be freezing!” he exclaimed as soon as he felt the air from outside. As soon as he started addressing me, his voice became softer, laced with more concern than it did initially.

I stepped inside and bathed in the heat of his office. “Not anymore.” I sighed, grateful for the relief from the outside world, although I suspected not all of the heat in the room was being produced by the torches lining the walls.

Cullen closed the door behind us and paused, shifting his weight awkwardly. “So…” he cleared his throat, obviously at a lack of words.

“Haven.” I breathed, turning to look him in the face, tears already forming at my eyes.

“I can’t forget it, either.” he sighed. “Would you like to sit down?” 

I gestured towards the singular chair in the room. “There’s only…” 

He glanced around. “Well, we certainly can’t go outside in that cold.” he concluded. 

“Perhaps…” he motioned to the ladder that led to his personal chambers. “There’s room up there, if, um…” he cleared his throat. “If... you’d be comfortable…” 

I nodded silently and followed him up the ladder to a small room above his main office. It was simple, with a single torch illuminating a large bed along with two chairs and a table in the corner. The room was colder, and as soon as I entered I started shivering uncontrollably.

“Ah, um, I’m sorry…” he said, noting the goosebumps forming on my skin.

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it--” I was cut off by him quickly taking off his fur coat, which he then gently placed around my shoulders. I was instantly aware of a soft, earthy scent emanating from the fabric and the intense heat radiating off of it.

“Sit down,” he said lightly. I obliged, and he followed suit, sitting across from me at the table.

“It’s about Haven, Cullen.” I whispered, choking back sobs. “I could have saved them, I could have…” I trailed off.

“It’s not your fault.” he said.

“I was the Herald of Andraste! Now I’m the Inquisitor! I should be able to protect my own people!” I cried, my words echoing off of the stone walls of the chamber. “All those people! I knew them, Cullen, I knew them by name! Adan! Flissa! Seggrit… Dead. All of them. And it’s my fault.” The last words came out in a voice barely above a whisper.

“It’s not your fault,” he repeated softly. “The only person to blame is Corypheus.” 

“I should have done more!” I sobbed.

“You held off a dragon by yourself,” he consoled. “You did all you could. We saved a lot of people that day.” 

I looked up at his soft brown eyes. “Cullen, I…” 

“It’s okay.” He cupped my face with one hand, wiping away my tears with his thumb. “It’s all going to be okay.” I blushed slightly and gazed down at my hands. I wasn’t cold anymore.

We both paused. On the one hand, I believed him; I fought as hard as I could against Corypheus, and we did save most of Haven’s residents. On the other hand… 

He pulled away suddenly. “I, uh, I’m sorry…” 

“Don’t be. Thank you.” I replied, immediately craving his touch again.

He smiled and nodded. “If you ever need anything…” 

“You’ll be here. Thank you. How are you faring?” I asked.

“It…” he sighed. “Nightmares, almost every night.” His face contorted into a grimace and for the the first time I truly saw how tired he was. His face was lined with fatigue, making the relatively young commander resemble an old man. 

“Without lyrium… it’s worse.” he continued. “It’s like I’m back there again, or… other places.” 

“You’re here now, Cullen.” I consoled, taking his hand into mine across the table in an attempt to comfort him. “You know I’m here for you, too.” I whispered. A blush crept onto his cheeks, and he looked around the room awkwardly. 

“Maker’s breath, is it warm in here or…” his voice trailed off and I giggled.

“It’s definitely you.”

He laughed slightly, a laugh that I had barely ever heard. It was deep, slightly shy, with a hint of sadness; much like the man who possessed it. We both paused, not knowing what to say or what to do next. His hand was warm in mine, and softer than I had expected. 

I looked away, scanning the cold stone walls of the chamber for a topic of conversation, though I felt Cullen’s eyes examining me for any signs of further tearshed. Eventually, he said: 

“Beyond Haven… how are you holding up?” 

I looked back at him and started to tear up again. “It’s all so much,” I said. “I can’t keep up. So many people depend on me… and on a power I never wanted. How do you do it? How do you stay so confident even when you have an army of men depending on you?” 

“I remember that I’m not alone.” He smiled again. “You’ll always have me.” 

“Oh, I…”

“A-and the rest of the Inquisition, of course.” He added quickly. 

“Right.” I smiled. 

His hand was still clasped in mine, and I felt it tremble slightly. He was scared, too, I think, which was somehow the most comforting part of this situation - if even Cullen Rutherford, Knight-Commander of Kirkwall, veteran of the fifth Blight, was scared, then I could be scared, too; we could be scared together. Together.

It felt like an eternity before either of us spoke again. 

“It’s getting late,” he murmured, almost hiding his own words.

“I don’t want to leave you.” I blurted out. 

“You… what?” He gasped slightly, quickly pulling his hand away from mine. He awkwardly scratched his neck, his blush growing more and more apparent on his cheeks.

“B-because of your nightmares, I don’t want you to…” I paused slightly. “I don’t want you to be alone,” I finished in a tiny voice. 

He paused and my heart rate jumped. Did I say something wrong? Is he creeped out? Shit. He’s creeped out, isn’t he?

“Then… what would you like to do?” He finally replied, looking me straight in the eye.

I hesitated. That was a good question.

“I want to stay here,” I eventually answered. 

“I would like that.” He breathed the words out; his voice was quiet like this was a confession he wasn’t ready to make yet. He looked away from me, but even so, I knew he meant what he said.

He stood up and I followed his lead. I half expected his judgement to swiftly shift into that of his uptight commander persona. Maybe he’d whisper get out and I’d quickly return to my quarters in shame; Why did I say that? I’d lament, alone in my room, and from then on the already tense war room meetings would become tense and awkward.

But instead, he spoke once again. “Thank you for being here.” 

“Oh--”

That was all I could say before being swept up into his arms. He held me tight and protectively, like we were still in Haven during the siege, and for the first time since this all began I felt at peace. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face into his chest, surrounding myself in him, desperately trying to preserve this moment forever. The only thing I could hear was the distant crackling of the lit torches and his soft breathing. 

“I won’t let what happened at Haven happen ever again. You have my word.” he whispered into my ear. 

We remained comfortably, concordantly entwined for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, I pulled away and sat back down at the table. He followed and sat across from me.

“Inquisitor…”

“Yes?” 

“Was there… anything else you wished to discuss?” He looked at me, concerned, no doubt fearful of another breakdown.

“Did you know Solas polishes his head every morning?” 

“I… what?”

“I saw it!” I giggled. “One day, I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I went out for a morning walk… and there he was! In his chambers, with a towel, shining his head until it sparkled like a pure-bred Fereldan strider.” 

He paused, then laughed, this time a ringing laughter that seemed to light up the entirety of Skyhold. It was a lovely sound, almost musical in nature, beautifully free of the pain that normally seeped into his moments of joy. 

“You’re kidding,” he managed to say in between laughs.

“Ask Sera. I’m sure she’s seen it, too. That girl sees everything.” I chuckled. 

For the next few hours, we discussed all sorts of things. The Inquisition, our hopes, our dreams, everything from Orlesian fashion to Rutherford family disputes over chess games. We laughed, I cried, and for that night, it felt like the world outside didn’t exist. A safe haven, away from the pain of memories we wish were long forgotten.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but before I knew it, I woke up with Cullen’s arm wrapped around my shoulder... in his bed. He must’ve carried me there after I dozed off. That realization made my heart flutter. Then the realization that we were both still fully clothed soothed my nervous heart a tiny bit.

He was snoring softly, clearly still fast asleep. His armor was tucked neatly next to the bed, and his coat was still under my head, implying that I fell asleep with it on. By then, my heart was pounding out of my chest with a mixture of excitement and complete and total fear. What would the others think of us?

I took the moment to examine the room in an attempt to calm down. Outside, the sky shone orange and yellow, sending light dancing around the room, bouncing off of the walls in beams of brilliant splendor that made the entire world seem beautiful again.

I finally figured out exactly what he smelled like: elderflower and oakmoss; earthy, like an evening walk in the woods, with a hint of sweetness. 

Eventually, he opened his eyes and I turned to look at him. He stared back, then blinked quickly, as if something was in his eye.

“Did you have any trouble sleeping?” I smiled at him.

He chuckled slightly. “No, actually. I didn’t have any nightmares. For once.” He answered sheepishly, arm still around me. 

“I did my job, then!” I grinned.

“I suppose so.” He laughed. “How are you feeling?” 

“Better than ever,” I sighed happily, sliding closer to him. 

There was a long, sheepish silence. We were both happy to be there, no doubt, but it rose too many questions about what to do next, where to go next, and what we even were. We couldn’t act like nothing happened.

So we decided to sit there, blissfully, willfully ignorant and enjoying eachother’s company in a rare moment of peace. I didn’t want to move, or speak, or hardly even breathe; I just wanted to stay there forever, suspended in time, preserving this comfort until the end of the world.

But unfortunately, my absence would make that end come too quick, and eventually, I had to speak up. “People will start to notice,” I lamented. “I should get back to my quarters.”

Cullen scrunched up his face, obviously disappointed. He took my hand in his again, this time completely certain of his actions. “Whenever you may require it,” he said softly. “I will always be here for you.”

I sighed. With a line like that, I couldn’t just leave. “Well, maybe five more minutes…” I murmured, giving in and resting my head on his shoulder. 

“I’d like that.” he whispered, smiling.

“Me too.” I smiled back.

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone! i'm very new to writing fanfiction so any feedback is greatly appreciated, bless you! thank you for reading :)


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